I frown as I pass Maggie at the window. First at the lawn, and then at her. Well not at her, just… I shake my head and quietly sigh and walk back to the kitchen.

“What time did daddy say he was coming today?” I ask knowing the answer, but I have to say something to keep her occupied. I measure flour, sugar, salt, an egg. I step to the cabinet across the room and dig for the bag of semi sweet chocolate chips.

“He said four,” she says, her voice bouncing off of the glass and reverberating back to the room with a hollow sound. She must have had her nose against the glass.

I twist to glance at the clock. 4:32. I close my eyes and shake my head and sigh. He could at least call and tell her that he’s going to be late. Or that he’s not coming.

“Do you want to help me make the cookies?”

“No,” she says. Her tiny voice is losing its cute, wonder-filled charm. “I want to see him get here.”

“Okay,” I say, and go on with my task, mixing the chocolate chips in with the dough.

The cookies aren’t a consolation prize. At least, that’s what I tell myself. It’s turned into a Sunday tradition, but most often, it’s something to distract Maggie when David can’t come.

He was good about it, when he first found out Maggie was his. We even tried to reconcile for a little bit, but then he got the new job and the new house and now things are all a jumble. He promises and promises and doesn’t come through. I can take it but….

I lean around the corner from the kitchen and peek into the living room at the four year old, perched on her knees, nose on the glass, head in her hands, watching the driveway.

My heart breaks.

“Hey Mags! Maybe we can rake up some leaves later on and jump in a great big pile! I used to do that when I was a little girl. Grandpa would make a huge, HUGE stack—“

“He’s here!” She shrieks, stands up, and jumps from the window seat to the carpeted living room floor. I scowl at her, but she’s too excited to notice. Much more quickly than I could ever get her to put on her jacket on school days, she pokes her arms through the thin coat and picks up the straps of her backpack.

“Wait for him to come to the door, Mags!” I call out, a second before the doorbell rings. I drop the wooden spoon I had been using to mix the cookie dough into the bowl and bound down the stairs. Maggie is on my heels, chattering excitedly.

I open the door and David is there. Handsome as ever. He looks like Taye Diggs and sounds like James Earl Jones and smells like… I inhale, subconsciously… Jean Paul Gautier. My heart goes pitter patter and other places go thump thump. My breath catches in my throat and all over again, I regret letting him go.

“I’m late, pumpkin, I know. Daddy’s sorry. I had to work today and they tried to keep a brother from his baby girl.” He’s squatting in front of Maggie and hugging her to him. I wish I had the mind and heart of a child, so easily forgiving.

But I don’t, so I’m upset.

“You kept her waiting 45 minutes. I need you to call, even if you’ll be late, because I’m the one that has to deal with a sad four year old.”

He stands with Maggie on his arm. She’s glowing, her brown eyes bouncing from me to him, to me and back to him. “Okay, Tammy. Okay.” He rolls his eyes just enough that I see it and she doesn’t. “My cell phone died while I was working and I had already left the plant when I figured that out. These things happen, but I’m here, now.”

“Yeah. Well. Ya’ll have fun. Don’t let her eat a lot of sugar. We’ll have cookies when she comes back.”

“Alright, okay. Mommy’s orders.” He eyes me, and I watch his gaze linger on the v-neck of my t-shirt. I fold my arms over my chest and let my eye brows raise. “I’m just saying, Tammy. Maybe we could spend some time together. Like old times, you know?”

I know what old times mean. Old times went away when we broke up and I had a baby by myself and it took him two years to come around and find out he had a daughter. In my heart of hearts, I wish old times could come back again but… I glance at her, the very image of me from her kinky hair and chocolate skin to her big brown eyes. Even her nose is from me. I just can’t compromise my future. Not with her in it.

Still, I can’t say no. I feel my face turning pink. I—I got to get him out of my sight before I jump up into those arms, too. I shrug and step back, grabbing the door knob.

“See you later, David.” I wave to Maggie, who is impatiently swinging a leg, chanting that she’s ready to go.

He nods, just once, but slowly. “Yeah. See you soon.”

I close the door behind me, leaning against the cold steel, listening through it as David’s car starts and backs out of the driveway. Only when he’s gone do I sigh a breath of relief.

So why journal? Here are some of the reasons.

— To establish the habit of writing (A writer writes.)

— To capture memories (places, characters, conversations, events)

— To discover what you think and feel (each time going deeper)

— To find your voice (When does your writing sound the most natural? Look at your entries to see at what time of day and in what place you write most easily. Track your writing habits.)

— To take risks (in a private place)

— To plant seeds for stories (move from image to story)

I’ve decided to try and flesh out my character in my original fiction novel a little bit.

Title: [Tentative] Caged Bird Singing- Journal Entry
Fandom or Original Universe: Original Fiction YA Novel
Rating: PG
Word count:889
Brief summary: Richelle Nelson is a caged bird, trapped between wanting to please her parents and walk the path that all her siblings have walked before her and striking out on her own into the possibility of more than the simple life in an Atlanta suburb could offer.
Brief warnings: None
Writing Prompt: January OYTAWL Challenge

~*~

Hey Girl,

So, they were doing it again. Talking about me. They talk in those hushed voices that they think no one else can hear. They must forget that all of the walls in this house are paper thin. If I stand in the laundry room, I can hear every word, plain as day, in the bedroom right upstairs.

I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, though. Mama and I had one of our “struggles,” as she likes to call them. She got mad and stomped upstairs to bed. I worked at the record store tonight, and it was stocking night, so I was dead tired. Mama told me to iron some clothes, because Regina was already in bed and that pissed me off.

So I was ironing clothes for the twins to wear to school tomorrow when I heard the bed creaking. Dad said something about the frown on Mama’s face, and she answered back, “…Richelle. Talking back again… thinks she’s grown. Not living in my house, she’s not. I just won’t have it.”

Dad said, “What’s she talking back about, now?”

“I asked her to take care of the twins’ clothes for tomorrow. She talkin’ about how thought Regina should have done it. I didn’t ask Regina to do it. I asked Richelle to do it.”

I almost laughed when Dad asked what was wrong with Regina’s arms. That’s the same question I asked Mama. She answered him back, using his name, Charles, like she always does when she gets mad. She said the point was that she told me to do something, and it didn’t matter what Regina was doing or had already done.

Then she said something about me quitting Spelman and coming back home to freeload. I had to try hard not to throw that iron across the room.

My face was on fire, I was so mad, all over again. Mama don’t never listen what I got to say! The only thing she cares about is what she wants and her plans for me and how I’m messing everything up. I wish she could just understand that I don’t want to go to Spelman and become a teacher or a doctor or a nurse. I wish she could hear me when I talk about what I really want to do. Dad can hear me. She can too, she just don’t want to.

I heard Dad say, “Leave the girl alone. She don’t want to back to school and we can’t make her. At least she’s not wasting tuition money, failing classes and getting kicked out.”

I heard the bed thump. It does that if you flop on it too hard. I could just imagine Mama being pissy like she does when Dad doesn’t agree with what she says about me. She says they have to be united front. Dad always agrees, but then argues with her when it comes to me.

Dad and I have the same gift, so I feel like he gets me. That’s how he met Mama, and it’s strange how she just loved for him to sing and play the piano or the saxophone back then, but now? Now that they’re what she calls “distinguished”– which must not be a big deal, because all they do is teach– unless he’s in the choir stand at Mt. Olive, she don’t want no part in Dad singing. He can’t even play backup for Mr. Harold’s Jazz Foursome anymore.

I couldn’t catch what Dad was saying, something about me being stubborn and how if she fought me, I would fight back. I was nodding right along. Sure enough, I would.

Mama’s voice was kind of muffled, like she was talking into a pillow. I think she said, “I’m just not fighting about this one. I want her to do better. I want more for her than she wants for herself.”

And just like that, I was hot again. Mama don’t even know what I want for myself! How can she want better than I want for me?

I want the BEST for myself. I want to try out for that show that’s doing auditions next week at “Spin It”. And if I make it, and they like my voice, I’ll get to be on TV, in front of millions of people. And maybe get a record contract and record an album and travel the world. Once everybody knows my name, Mama will act all humble, talking about how I liked to pave my own way, except she won’t say it like it’s a bad thing anymore.

I bet she’d be proud of me once everyone knows my name, our name. Then I’ll come back here to this house that they’ve filled up with kids and buy them a bigger house and a van that doesn’t keep knocking and sighing after you turn the dag on’ thing off.

And then maybe Mama would see that singing isn’t such a bad thing and she’d let Dad sing some, too.

Now tell me, Mama. Will sitting in a classroom get me all of that?

I didn’t think so!

My total words for 2010. WEEE!!

Well, as of right now. If I write anything else this year (doubtful) I will count it toward 2011.

Not too shabby, but I’m looking toward 2011 and I need to have written 46K more words than that by this time next year. My mind is already clicking and whirring with how I am going to fill up my word count next year. Lots and lots and lots of writing- contests, blogfests, short stories, book reviews….

I can do this!

But it’s ME. I write a lot of words.  Usually.

This means I have to get back to blogging but since I’m dumping my personal blog, I will be doing more reading/reviews and writing blogging. Which is just fine with me.

Trying to get into my daily writing groove now, instead of waiting until the New Year and trying to jump into it. I can’t remember what word count I started with but I know I got in at least 1000 words tonight, so #WIN.

One of the blogs I read has WIP (Work in Progress) Wednesday, where they talk about what projects they have on-going and how they’re coming. As everyone knows I am in what is supposed to be the final chapters of a serial fanfiction story. It will, eventually, end. Just… not where I originally thought. Oh well. Word count!

Count  for today ends at 4840.  Chapter is going very. slowly. GUH. I’m trying, folks! I promise!

My saving grace this year was having two longish serial stories I’ve been working on. Add in a few other stories and I am just sliding in at 300K at the end of the year. I feel like I’d have to write my butt off to do the same next year as I have zero intention of writing AIWD all of next year, and I don’t have an NaNo to finish. I also don’t want to go back to counting blog posts since I’m no longer blogging. I do plan to do a Big Bang and some other challenges. Just not sure that I’ll write 300,000 more words next year.

So that makes me ponder what level I want to pledge. I don’t want to aim too low and way overshoot it. Or aim too high and totally bomb out. Even lowering my goal 100K would probably be workable. Maybe.

I can’t even believe it’s time to think about 2011 Writing Goals.

I still need to set 2011 Reading Goals and not suck at them. I don’t set aside enough time for reading. Once I start a good book I want to sit for 5 hours and read it. Either that or it takes me 3 weeks to piecemeal read a book. I did just get a bunch of books, though…………..

I’ve updated my word count with my sparse 17,709 words for the month of November (ehhh… low, but I’ve been suffering my constant crisis of I totally suck at this) and I came in at 296,940 for my 2010 total.

That puts me at 3,060 words remaining  (99%) to hit my goal of 300,000 words for the year. Had I done NaNo, I would have knocked it out of the park. I will still exceed it, just not by as much as I would have, if I had another project.

I am really excited to be so close to meeting/exceeding the goal I set for this year.  It’s almost time to decide if I am going to participate in 2011 and I’m not sure. AIWD is my only open project and nothing is really niggling at me…. but with nothing to shoot for, I’m afraid that that’s exactly what I’ll produce. I need something to work toward… so we’ll see, I guess. There are lower goals I can choose, and some multi project ones that I could aim for, so I probably won’t pick such a large number again because if I ever write another 60 chapter story, I will personally slap myself.

Anyway, just updating my word count for November and being very excited about it. AIWD is within a few chapters of ending. The ending actually keeps moving as I get better ideas on how to draw the story to a close. I think I have just made this story a part of my life and it’s such a habit that  I kind of don’t want to let it go. At the same time I have story fatigue… I have been writing it for almost 2 years and it’s more soap opera and fanfic fantasy than a story by this point, whch is not where I want to take it but that’s how it unfolds in my mind, so… that’s how it’s coming out. I am kind of anxious to get back to making progress with my writing and not just typing because I know people are expecting an update.

Not doing well with my reading either but I am determined to get back into that habit. I love it, I just don’t make time for it and it’s been hard to find a great book that holds my attention, lately. The constant struggle, I suppose.

I’m also officially not doing NaNo. I don’t have any story ideas anyway. :( Boo. Where is my brain? I read some of my old stuff and I can’t even believe I wrote some of it. I feel like I couldn’t do the same today.

Blah.

Quick and dirty, this month. September word count – 26,778 words. That’s the end of Same Time Next Week, the most recent chapter of All I Wanna Do and the current chapter up through 9/29. No words from blogs were counted. I haven’t blogged in forever anyway.

This brings my word count total to:  279, 231 for the year, leaving 20, 769 left to hit 300,000 words for 2010.

Good job me! :D

On with it… August was pretty good, with a total of 24,019 words. This is thanks, mostly, to a new short(er) story that I wrote for Awesome August that was nearly 7000 words. otherwise my total would be far below 20,000.  I was pretty proud of that story, too.

This brings my total to 252,453 words for the year. Not bad at all. My goal of 300,000 is only about 47K words away.

I’ve been trying to think of a NaNo topic for this year… I can’t believe it’s coming up so fast. I mean, yeah it’s November, but I usually need time to plan and outline. I’m thinking that, instead of doing NaNo, I will push myself to finish both of my big pieces. And start something new in Jan 2011. Wow.

We’ll see. The minute I say I am going to do something I suddenly can’t do it.

It is month end, which means another update to my Get Your Words Out tally. Last month was a banner month for writing, and this month I did even better. I’ve been on a few “missions” the last couple of months, which is generating a lot of words. This makes me happy.

My total for the month of June, through about 5pm today, is 40,001 words. WOW! I hit about 35K words last month, which was my biggest month so far. Half of that is some thought and pontificating about changing my life and sharing pieces of myself over at the Diary.  The other half, I am happy to say, are additions to my story All I Wanna Do! I managed to get 2 chapters in last month, which is great! Got to keep it goin’!

My grand total for the year now is 203,927. That means I have fewer than 100K words until I hit my 300,000 mark. Uhm, seriously? I’m totally gonna make that. I have at LEAST 50,000 words left of AIWD, if not more. Plus NaNo is coming up in October- not sure if I am doing it yet, and a friend gave me an idea for something new that’s niggling at me. I’ve been laughing off the idea but damn if it’s not writing itself in my head!

Maybe in July. Maybe.

In all, I’m pleased with the progress! To think I was worried…………