I’ve had lots of time to dive into new, distracting things and continue with old distracting things. I’ve had no problem keeping up with TV shows and gossip and the latest headlines. When it comes to writing, I don’t have time or I don’t feel like it or I’m stuck or I’ve hit a brick wall. Right now I just don’t have the will to fight through it. The odd thing is that I think about it ALL THE TIME. It’s always on my mind. I just haven’t done anything about it.

I know this is a rut and it is a minute space in time compared to the rest of my life. And that perhaps I’ve put so much pressure on myself to WRITE A BOOK THIS YEAR that I’ve basically pressured myself out of thinking I can do it. This morning the thought that maybe I’m just not an author crossed my mind. That thought made me sad because while I can’t think of anything I want to write right now, I can’t imagine never writing again.

There’s so much (overwhelming) advice out there on how to beat the blues and overcome writer’s block and how to not wait for the Muse, just force yourself to do it and keep going until it’s done. *shrug* Okay. I’ll let ya’ll know how that works out. Haha. Hint: It doesn’t. Not for me. I really have to feel like writing and I feel like I have to make myself feel like writing and I don’t know how to make that happen.

This is one of those posts that people tell authors to never post because you don’t want Agents thinking you’re a giant ball of talent-less crap. Maybe if, after I manage to achieve representation, I’ll delete this post. Or highlight it, so people can see how real writers think and the process from draft to complete manuscript goes. I’d rather be wide open and truthful about how this feels and hope that others feel encouraged by it and that they aren’t alone.

I don’t think I’m burnt out. I don’t think I’ll ‘never write again‘. I think I am just tired. And when I am done being tired, I’ll be back to it. My hope is that this time comes soon before we’re hitting the end of the year and I trade this discouraged feeling for the feeling of accomplishing nothing all year and having 26,000 words to put in the vault and never look at again.

I feel like the time will be soon.

Photo courtesy Melissa Wilkinson | Photobucket.com

Today’s post will probably be short, mostly because I didn’t feel like writing it or posting it, but I SHOULD, so I am.

I have hit an enormous invisible brick wall in my writing. The story isn’t even writing itself in my head right now. I hit this story head on and went at it hardcore for a few weeks, and then burnt myself (and my friends, I think) out on the story. I did some writing but not enough shutting up and now I’m pretty sure people are sick of hearing about this book I am writing. And have stopped writing. I haven’t written in over a week and I don’t really feel a pull toward it. I am tired (a lot) and what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch Netflix videos or TV shows. At this rate, the book will be done around 2015, if ever.

I know, these words are ridiculous and as soon as I have emoted about my frustration, I’ll feel a strange urge to open up the WIP and write. Until then, I just have to document that I went back and read the first 5 1/2 chapters and learned that they kind of suck. I mean, I sort of knew that when I wrote them because I did that on purpose. My mantra was to just get it out on paper so I can edit it into something brilliant. Then I went back and read it and I am depressed about how bad it seems.

When I did NaNo a few years ago, I blazed right through that story. I hit 50K words in just a couple of weeks. I think I’ve hit 30K on this story and I just… MEH.

I know. I know. Just dig in and keep going and don’t give up and it’s supposed to suck. Writing is editing, right? And okay it doesn’t suck, but I am seeing what I’ll need to do to pretty it up and I guess I am mad at myself that I can’t produce better writing, right out of the gate.

I KNOW. DUMB! Why do I still do that?

Ugh, Who knows? We writer type people are so neurotic. And I am neurotic on top of that!

Hope everyone else is having good luck and nice progress with their WIP. If you’re NOT, feel free to commiserate in the comments!

SIGH. Back to the WIP. Today.

I have a tiny update on the progress of the book and I want to talk about the tools we writers use to stay on task and write our writes.

On Writing

Writing last week was a bit lackluster, but I made up for it on Sunday with about 4,000 words. Monday night I didn’t write and yesterday I got in about 1,500 words over the course of the day, including one session of 1K1H (one K one hour, where we commit to writing 1,000 words or one hour, which ever comes first). I am up to 27,000 words and have reached nearly the end of chapter 5, when the pot is just beginning to stir on the scandal that is beginning to tear my friends apart. This is the point where I really like the story and can’t seem to get the words out of my head fast enough. It’s a great feeling.

Tools of the Trade

Last night, as I was using my iPhone to record myself reading a portion of chapter 5, I started to think about all the nifty gadgets I use to make this writing thing possible. There’s:

• NetBook- I bought a barely used Samsung 10″ Netbook from a friend. It’s so small, it fits in the bag I take to work everyday. I packed this bag with my pens, pencils, journal, pad of sticky notes and power cord and call it my writing bag. I drag it everywhere, now.
• Internet (more specifically, Chrome web browser) – Always a never ending resource, especially when I use a web browser that lets me collect web pages in folders. This way when I go to check something, I go straight to my project folder on Chrome (which is synchronized on all of my computers so the same web folders show up everywhere) and my research is right there at my fingertips.
• Flash drives, Dropbox and email- this is a bad, bad habit I am trying to break, but I always email myself a copy of my WIP at the end of the night. That way I have a copy to look at in the morning when I am fresh. This usually works great, except when I forget to email myself a copy and then I have nothing to work with the next day. I am trying to get into the habit of duplicating my efforts and uploading to dropbox or saving to a flashdrive. It’s a step that I am not accustomed to making, so it’s not on my mind when I am saving and emailing. It could sure save me today, when I don’t have pages to look at. Also, after watching Jennifer Weiner go through almost losing her novel yesterday,  I need a backup copy because if I lost the 61 pages I’ve written, I’d be devastated, let alone an entire novel.
• Evernote- I was late to the Evernote train. I’d tried it a few times and could never get the gist of it. I started using it to go chapter by chapter and plot what happens in the book and now… I use Evernote at least once a week to update where I’m going. I try to get down to the minute detail at least a chapter or two ahead of where I am. I don’t want to write myself into a corner like I did before with other stories, then have to ‘untell’ the story and start from another point. At least with this book, no one is reading as I go, but it’s wasted time and keystrokes, writing toward a dead end.

What tips and tricks do you use to help, further, better your writing? What do you use to make your writing life easier?

Obviously, the big news of the weekend was the loss of  Whitney Houston. My greatest memories of childhood are weaved together with songs from Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson… other stars too, but since we were a religious family, only a few “secular” artists were allowed to be played. Those two stand out the most.

I was thinking this morning that artists like Whitney and Michael are the product of parents who grew up in the 30′s, 40′s and 50′s, a time when we as black people were fighting for equal rights, equal footing on common ground. There was the Civil Rights Movement and the era of black artists punching through prejudice and status quo just to be able to perform in white clubs, to go in the front and not the back and to be treated with dignity and respect. The artists of yesteryear learned hard work, sacrifice and dedication at their parent’s knee. They saw things that we of this generation (I’m a Xer, some are Y, some are Millenial) have had the blessing of changing times to not be exposed to, for the most part.

Sure, there is still racism and prejudice, backward thinking and the oft-muttered N-word from some members of unpolite society, but for the most part, I have always lived in a world where I can get on a bus and sit where I want. I go to my job where I work with white people and I eat dinner at nice restaurants with a wide variety of cultured people– Caucasian, Hispanic, Indian. I’ve never had a racial slur hurled at me. I’ve never known what it is like to be hungry.  I have never not been able to work because of the color of my skin.

In discussing Ms. Houston’s passing with a friend, we talked about how she has a four year old, and who will she remember as a lifelong favorite? Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston  and Etta James and Rick James and Tina Marie… all are gone. Will she sit and listen to Niki Minaj albums like I listen to Whitney Houston? Probably not.

Music used to be representative of the struggle to be a proud people. It’s now bragadocious and surface. I consider it expendable.  I feel as if the people of my generation are, for lack of a better term, spoiled. We live a life that is over the top, if you let music, film and TV tell it. Mainstream music is irritating whining about not getting the girl, or how fly my car/house/shoes/watch/wife is. Mainstream music is representative of a culture that hasn’t had to struggle for much more than getting up to stand in line for pair of shoes. There are underground artists that are releasing music with meaning, that have a story to tell, but that’s just the point– they’re underground. I hope that parents that want their children to know what good music is, how our legacy is spelled out in classic R&B, that they’ll introduce this music to their children.

What moves me is having something to hold onto, that carries me through today, the now, the temporary. I’m so glad that we have music– physical recordings of our stories and our legends, so that even after they’re gone, they live on.

What about You? What Moves You? 

I opted not to do a Sunday Snip today, not only because of the recent news of the death of Whitney Houston, but because I just couldn’t dip through all of my work to pick something. I’ve reached that point where I am anxious to have something new from MYSELF to read.

Anyway, in deference and honor to one of my favorite favorite favorite music artists, I’d like to pay tribute to Ms Houston on my blog today. My favorite song from her was ‘Didn’t We Almost Have It All‘. On more than one occasion, I have been at a stoplight, belting this song out at full volume. It’s a good thing the song was at full volume, too because I cannot sing a lick. Couldn’t carry a tune across the street in a bucket, as my mother says.

I love this song because of the lyrics. It’s obvious that there was a great, great love, but she isn’t downtrodden and she doesn’t have a f— love attitude. She recognizes an incredible feeling, at an incredible time and gives love it’s due.

“Didn’t we have the best of times? When love was fresh and new? Couldn’t we reach inside and find the world of me and you? We’ll never lose it again, ’cause once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”

I want that kind of love. Rest in Peace, Whitney. Love you and miss you already.

(video after the jump) 

It hasn’t been as rough a week at day job, but I’m always happy to see Friday come around. How about you?

On Writing

This week, while it hasn’t been rough, has been busy with lots of guests in town and a few late nights at work. I only made it to the library one night this week. Last night when I’d finally decided I was going to push everything out of the way and get in some writing, my mother sent me a text about getting her set up with some more audio books on her iPod. She is a machinist at an airplane manufacturer and listening to books helps her day go faster. By the time I got her going, it was after 9:30, but I’d committed to writing, so I spent about a half hour doing some light editing and then adding more words.

I ended up with almost 500 new words, so the effort was worth it! Last night I wrote a fight between two characters that used to be lovers. I love doing that. :)  I’m just under 17,800 words. Making great progress. This weekend, I am looking forward to a full day of writing and doing some more chapter by chapter planning. I try to do 2- 3 chapters at a time, drilling down to the details.

On Reading-Friday Reads

My reading has suffered greatly with all of this writing, but that is why I spent most of January with my head buried in a book. I am ahead on my GoodReads challenge for the year, which should give me some breathing room for a few months. Still, I finished Terry McMillan‘s Getting to Happy audiobook and enjoyed it. It was nice and long and distracting from the daily drive.  I started Jennifer Weiner‘s Then Came You today. Audiobooks are totally saving my sanity and my ‘Read’ count at Goodreads. I just don’t have the hours upon hours I used to have to sit and read books. I’m writing during that time, though I’d like to get in the habit of winding up with a book — I call it Writing Foreplay– and winding down with one as well instead of queuing up Netflix or turning on the TV.

Baby steps to more reading.

On Vision Statements- Where are you going? How will you know when you’ve arrived there?

I’ve read a few posts this week on envy, jealousy, and how to deal when your friend/crit partner gets a contract/snags an agent/writes a book/does a ton of things before you do. All of these posts resonate with me, because every time one of my friends shares how they’ve received an incredible opportunity with me, I have to beat back my jealousy with a stick. I can’t help it, I feel like some people attract awesome chances at shining their light; opportunities I don’t know about, or won’t go after because I am afraid.

I am remembering my Anti Resolution for the year, to not NOT do things I am afraid. I might fail at it and I might suck, but so what? I did it. Besides, as I tweeted last night while listening to the dapper G. Clooney give an interview to NPR, “Failures are infinitely more instructive than successes.” As much as it hurts, we learn what we don’t do well and get an opportunity to improve.

The other day I was talking to my friend Emily Sandford, who is doing just about everything there is to be done, talking about it everywhere, kicking butt and taking names at it. I remember back when she was writing for Skorch magazine, a fashion publication for the plus sized woman. Here I was, honing my craft and studying and writing, writing, writing my head off and she’d stumbled upon a chance to work for a nationwide publication. Had SHE been doing all of this writing and studying and having her work beta’d and critiqued? Nope. I felt like she reached into the air and plucked and that was just totally like, unfair man!

Today, she is thriving and ready to embark on a new adventure. She’s opened her own firm and has continuously been an inspiration in her niche. I told her  today that I often sit and grumble in my jealousy but I know that it’s because I don’t go after things. I told her that I was proud of her and that she’d done some excellent work.

She thanked me and passed on some unsolicited advice that I am going to take. Write a Vision Statement:

Imagine that it is one year from now (or right after you’ve achieved your goal). Picturing wild success, describe in present tense what you are doing, how you are feeling and what you are proud of. Be as detailed and creative as you can.

She shared hers with me and it gave me some ideas of things I think about but don’t do because I don’t have time/don’t have an idea/ have an idea cause it’s stupid/am a terrible writer and why don’t  just give up already, geez.

Among all my writing this weekend, this will be one thing I take the time to craft and put it somewhere where it will always be at the front of my brain, right in my face. All that stuff? it’s going in.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable Friday and a great, relaxing, productive weekend.

What’s on your plate? Do you have a Vision Statement? If not, will you create one and share it online? 

Photo courtesy Melissa Wilkinson | Photobucket.com

It’s Wednesday! We’ve made it to mid-week and we’re still here and kicking! Congratulations!

Today, for Writing Wednesday, I will update (in generalities) on how writing my novel is going, but first I wanted to encourage my readers to please check out a meaningful, applicable post at StevenPressfield.com. It’s all about that “All Is Lost” moment, when the shiny, brilliant glow of writing something new wears off and you read back on the (possibly) hundred or so pages you’ve written, declare it crap and want to hurl yourself off of a cliff, because you suck and you’ll never be a good writer, and other such temper-tantrum utterings.

Not that I know what that’s like, or anything.

In fact, I’d venture to say that the All Is Lost moment is where I have stopped in the past. It’s where I give up, because why would I waste my time writing a bad book that will go nowhere and not be sold and I’ll be embarrassed to bring it up?

You know why? BECAUSE. That’s the only reason we need.

When it’s finished, it might still be garbage, as the subject of Steve’s post claims. But it will be finished, and so will my novel. It will be the single most important thing I’ve completed in my writing career and even if it goes nowhere, I can say I did it.

And then do it again.

On Writing

Writing is going really, really well. Mind you, today is day 8, so I’m still pretty shiny and brilliant. I have a loose plot structure and an end point in mind, and I am going a few chapters at a time, drilling down to the minutiae and what I want to cover, what has to happen now in order for certain things to occur later on.

I’m a little shocked at how one of my characters came out. I had a hard time forming her, because some of her behaviors don’t paint a pretty picture of her. However, when I started writing her, the backstory that poured from my fingers really made a lot of sense. Instead of a spoiled, petulant character, I had a strong woman with clear reasons for doing the things she does. She is proud, bows to no one, doesn’t wait for things to happen, she makes them happen.

It’s like I said about planning. You can only prepare so much– sometimes you just have to make the jump.

As of this morning I am over 17,000 words in. I’m aiming for 90-100K or so, so I have a ways to go and I need to make sure I have enough story for that. I’m not writing a 50,000 word Novella. I’m also learning to shut off the inner editor. Yes, it sounds like crap right now. That’s what editing and rewriting is for.

JUST WRITE.

How about you? How’s your WIP? What’s going on, on your Writing Wednesday?

Write to the prompt, “This weekend, I…”

This weekend, I relaxed and rested.

I ate brunch at a Tavern.

I drank coffee and gossiped with my girlfriends

I drove through a part of the city that I’ve never driven through before, even though I’ve lived here nine years.

I went to the library and applied for my first library card since I was a kid.

I sat at said library for most of the day Saturday

I wrote about 8,000 words on the new project.

Listened to an audiobook and a podcast.

Enjoyed myself.

How about you? 

Today’s snip is from one of the first stories I ever posted for the fiction archive. Most of my stories are about one character and his romantic adventures. This story was inspired by the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan vehicle You’ve Got Mail in which two mortal enemies in real life are friends online and don’t know it. In my story, a celebrity and a random person connect via a typo and neither really knows the other person very well. This scene occurs after he spills the beans about who he really is, many months after they’ve started talking.

This story is entitled You’ve Got Mail and you can read it in it’s entirety here:

His finger hovered over the mouse button. If he pressed ‘send’, their friendship changed forever. Immediately. He hoped it wouldn’t be for the worse. He closed his eyes and pressed send. And then logged out and backed away.

For all his big talk, he was the one freaking out. His heart was beating so fast he thought it might be trying to bust its way out of his chest. He was sweating and he was restless. He couldn’t sit there and wait for her response. He went downstairs and tried to get his mind off of his email and to resist the urge to check incessantly for a response.

He watched half of several shows, not paying any attention to anything, until he’d tortured himself long enough and went back upstairs and logged in.

Subject: I’ll be honest 

I totally had a freak out minute right here in my apartment. Then I thought you were lying and I felt stupid. Then I looked at your email address and your birthday and unless you’re really committed to this lie and have been hanging on to it for almost a year…

Hi. : )

How do you feel? Still nervous?

Shannon

Subject: Re: I’ll be honest

After all that ‘I don’t want things to change, and promise you won’t freak out and don’t fawn’ and stuff like that… I totally freaked out. I logged out and ran downstairs.

Hi. : )

Thank you for being here. You’ve helped me more than you know, over the last year.

I feel okay, now. Like a load off my back. And I don’t feel like a fraud anymore.

There’s some stuff you might find out, because I might tell you. Please keep it to yourself. Promise?

How do you feel? Weird? Anything?

Joshua

Subject: Re:Re: I’ll be honest 

You’re welcome. It’s been my pleasure to be here. You’ve been here for me too.

Of course, I wouldn’t disclose anything you tell me.

I feel okay. I’m surprised, but not. In the back of my mind I sort of figured something was up, because you were so secretive. You have been to Portland. I’ve seen you, here. :)

Shannon

Subject: Re: Re: Re: I’ll be honest 

Yeah, I know. I just don’t remember it much. We didn’t really spend a lot of time in each city when we toured. We get In, do some interviews, do the show, have a party, pull out.

Can I tell you something else?

Joshua

Subject: I don’t know

If I can take more news. What?

Shannon

Subject: Re: I don’t know 

I’m really selfish, about you. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I don’t want to share you. Especially since you know, now. I might be leaning on you even heavier, now. That’s not fair to you and I shouldn’t, but you ‘get me’ and that’s hard for me to find.

When you said you had a date, I wasn’t concerned with you having a good time. I was worried he would take you away from me. I know I didn’t cause your bad date but I wasn’t sympathetic when he turned out to be a tool.

If you still want to talk about him, I’m here.

Joshua

Subject: I never… 

.. want to talk about Andy, ever again. That’s over. It’s going to be awhile before I go out again. When I’d rather sit home and email random guy from LA instead of being out with a handsome guy, that’s just not fair to the handsome guy.

I appreciate your honesty. And if I may return some, it took me a long time to ask if you dated because I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to think about some girl making demands on your time and making it so we couldn’t talk.

I can’t deal with that right now. I need you. So, I’m kinda selfish about you, too.

Schmaltzy,

Shannon

He grinned a stupid grin and looked around the room to make sure no one could see it. He heaved a giant sigh of relief and wilted, laying back on the bed. He felt light as a feather and so different. Today was no deja vu. He’d never lived this day before.