For some reason I have the urge to blog. I don’t know why be cause I don’t have much to update. I’ve still not made my way back to the world of writing (or reading for that matter, which probably has a lot to do with why I’m not writing). I wish I knew what the problem was… I just don’t. I’m plenty jealous (and snarky) about people who are writing and publishing. I’ve had lots of time to look down my nose at authors who might have published a trilogy of “un-fanficced” fan fiction and then uttered a haughty chuckle at the reports of how it isn’t written very well and it’s badly edited and ha ha ha how embarrassing, while my own manuscript languishes on my desktop at home, collecting dust and every day seeming more and more stupid in the premise and story line department. I really don’t have room to laugh, have nothing to be snarky about and should probably shut my trap.
I’ve had lots of time to dive into new, distracting things and continue with old distracting things. I’ve had no problem keeping up with TV shows and gossip and the latest headlines. When it comes to writing, I don’t have time or I don’t feel like it or I’m stuck or I’ve hit a brick wall. Right now I just don’t have the will to fight through it. The odd thing is that I think about it ALL THE TIME. It’s always on my mind. I just haven’t done anything about it.
I know this is a rut and it is a minute space in time compared to the rest of my life. And that perhaps I’ve put so much pressure on myself to WRITE A BOOK THIS YEAR that I’ve basically pressured myself out of thinking I can do it. This morning the thought that maybe I’m just not an author crossed my mind. That thought made me sad because while I can’t think of anything I want to write right now, I can’t imagine never writing again.
There’s so much (overwhelming) advice out there on how to beat the blues and overcome writer’s block and how to not wait for the Muse, just force yourself to do it and keep going until it’s done. *shrug* Okay. I’ll let ya’ll know how that works out. Haha. Hint: It doesn’t. Not for me. I really have to feel like writing and I feel like I have to make myself feel like writing and I don’t know how to make that happen.
This is one of those posts that people tell authors to never post because you don’t want Agents thinking you’re a giant ball of talent-less crap. Maybe if, after I manage to achieve representation, I’ll delete this post. Or highlight it, so people can see how real writers think and the process from draft to complete manuscript goes. I’d rather be wide open and truthful about how this feels and hope that others feel encouraged by it and that they aren’t alone.
I don’t think I’m burnt out. I don’t think I’ll ‘never write again‘. I think I am just tired. And when I am done being tired, I’ll be back to it. My hope is that this time comes soon before we’re hitting the end of the year and I trade this discouraged feeling for the feeling of accomplishing nothing all year and having 26,000 words to put in the vault and never look at again.
I feel like the time will be soon.